backstage3

8:40 p.m.: Where does Ian McShane, Globe
winner as Best Actor, TV Drama, think he is? The bleepin' set of HBO's
Deadwood? He's been back here 10 seconds, and he's already dropped the
F-word--he then apologized with a heartfelt Jesus Christ.

8:41 p.m.: McShane holds his Globe in
his...oh, never mind. If somebody hoists the thing up with their toes, I'll let
you know.

8:43 p.m.: "Have you seen some of the
[favored McShane expletive] ties out there?" asks the non-buttoned-down actor,
who himself went with "Euro black tie." Translation: no tie.

8:45 p.m.: Best Actress, TV Drama Series
winner Mariska Hargitay (Law & Order: Special Victims Unit) is
wearing Vera Wang "and a lot of happiness."

8:46 p.m.: Hargitay asks a friend to get
out of her eye line, lest she start crying.

8:47 p.m.: Nice try. Hargitay almost starts
crying--again.

8:55
p.m.: A reporter cleverly ties in Jason Bateman's birthday last
Friday with his Globe win as Best Actor, TV Musical or Comedy Series for Fox's
Arrested Development and asks if the trophy was "the ultimate birthday
present." (For the record: No, it wasn't.)

8:56 p.m.: I'm afraid it's become a
sickness. Bateman's soberly talking about the challenge of finding viewers for
his low-rated series, and all I'm thinking is, Left hand. He's holding his Globe
in his left hand.

8:58 p.m.: "Being with you guys is the best
part of my evening," the wonderfully observant Bateman says.

9:01 p.m.: Annette Bening, Best Actress in
a Musical or Comedy winner for Being Julia, is back here now, patiently
listening to a reporter describe her movie as being "like a Hungarian
feast."

9:02 p.m.: By the way, it's not just your
TV--Bening looks great. And, um, she holds her Globe in her left hand, with an
assist from her right. (I'll get help soon. I promise.)

9:03 p.m.: That ear thing Bening did
onstage? "It was a signal to my kids."

9:05 p.m.: That pizza thing that Bening
mentioned? "That's a private thing between me and my husband."

9:06 p.m.: Thought: Warren Beatty eats
pizza?

9:08 p.m.: Another thought: Bening eats
pizza?

9:09 p.m.: Last thought: How is that
possible?

9:15 p.m.: In case you're wondering,
Nip/Tuck slasher victim Julian McMahon, backstage with the cast of the
Globe-anointed Best TV Drama series, is looking no worse for his run-in with the
Carver.

9:16 p.m.: Apparently, the wild-haired and
gray-bearded Dylan Walsh only plays a looks-obsessed plastic surgeon on TV.

9:18 p.m.: I was right. McMahon takes a
look at Walsh and jokes, "I just want to know how Grizzly Adams got up
here."

9:25 p.m.: You'd never know Geoffrey Rush
has another Golden Globe at home (not to mention an Oscar) by the way he's
clutching--strangling, really--the one he just won for the HBO movie The Life
and Death of Peter Sellers.

9:25:30 p.m.: Okay, I'm not going to look
at anybody's hands for the rest of the night. Really, honestly, truly.

9:30 p.m.: I must momentarily leave my post
and the warm glow of the press-conference room in order to file my findings,
including the stuff about hands, Globes statuettes and hands on Globes.

9:36 p.m.: I'm back in the interview room,
and Glenn Close, winner of Best Actress in a Miniseries or TV Movie for The
Lion in Winter, is at the mike in mid-thought: "I don't know who my
Frederick will be."

9:36:30 p.m.: No, I do not know who Close's
Frederick's will be, nor do I know who Frederick is. But as always, I wish all
parties much happiness.

9:38 p.m.: The interview with the Best
Foreign-Language Film winner is always a challenge, especially when it's
conducted in a foreign language (Spanish) that's not your best.

9:52
p.m.: Desperate Housewives star Teri Hatcher is desperate. "I
just want to say thank you to the Hollywood Foreign Press," says the winner of
Best Actressin a TV Musical or Comedy Series, who forgot to thank the Hollywood
Foreign Press on stage.

9:53 p.m.: Hatcher considers her Globe,
held in her, um, right hand, "just a big group trophy."

9:58 p.m.: "A year ago, I was in bed in my
pajamas, watching TV, eating popcorn," Hatcher reports, noting that one year
from now she may be "serving steak."

9:58:30 p.m.: Steak, popcorn--somebody
sounds hungry.

9:59 p.m.: I may be staring at hands, but
somebody in here is staring at feet, inquiring as to an itty-bitty bandage on
Hatcher's right foot. (For the record, she says she broke a toe.)

10 p.m.: Intrusive, unanswered and
apparently unheard question of the night: "Teri, what is this [win] going to do
for your love life?"

10:04 p.m.: Mick Jagger, winner with Dave
Stewart for Best Original Song, for Alfie's "Old Habits Die Hard," is at
the mike now. Am I supposed to throw panties at him or something?

10:06 p.m.: By the way, it's not just your
TV--Jagger really does look like he's been on the road for 40 years.

10:07 p.m.: How does Jagger stay in shape?
My first guess, "Groupies," proves incorrect. Jagger says the secret is "dancing
a lot, and going to the gym."

10:08 p.m.: Jagger is making fun of
drugs--okay, prescription drug ads, but it's still surreal.

10:15 p.m.: Finally, a break from all those
stars, badgering us with answers...

10:21 p.m.: On the TV telecast, Mike
Nichols commands Robin Williams to "come and get it"--his Cecil B. DeMille Award
for career achievement. Let the rambling, sorry, comedy begin.

10:22 p.m.: And now the winner for Audience
Reaction Shot of the Night: Kate Winslet examining her nails while Williams
rambles, er, riffs.

10:27 p.m.: Thought: What if it's not that
Robin Williams won't stop, what if it's that he can't stop?

10:28 p.m.: Hey, six minutes--not bad.
Possibly a new Robin Williams record for brevity.

10:29 p.m.: I'm in the deadline press room
now, recharging my laptop battery. Everyone in here is very quiet and serious.
Is it possible they're covering something else?

10:35 p.m.: Robin Williams alert: He's
backstage, in front of a mike.

10:38 p.m.: Something Williams did not talk
about on stage--his boots. If you must know, they're his nod to the "French
rodeo."

10:41
p.m.: Williams on his acceptance speech: "Most of that was
improvised." Oh, tell me another one...

10:42 p.m.: Yes, at 53, Williams is one of
the younger Cecil B. DeMille recipients. "It's nice when you get it when you can
remember what you've done," he says in a rare moment of utter coherence.

10:43 p.m.: Williams still on stage. In
front of the mike. Lamenting about the days when they had the "Golden Globes
dancers."

10:45 p.m.: Williams still on stage. In
front of the mike. Doing a Brando imitation.

10:45:30 p.m.: Amazing! Williams
successfully exits the backstage stage without the aid of a hook.

10:59 p.m.: On the TV telecast, The
Aviator flies off with the Globe for Best Drama. Closer, evidently,
was not a closer.

11 p.m.: The women of Desperate
Housewives convene in the press room on the occasion of their Best TV Comedy
Series win. Teri Hatcher, Marsha Cross and Eva Longoria are at one end of the
stage. Felicity Huffman and Nicollette Sheridan stand together at the other
end--no apparent distance between them.

11:05 p.m.: Desperate creator Marc
Cherry on his love life, for those who must know: "It's not as hot as Eva's."

11:11 p.m.: Sheridan makes numerous
interjections, reports that her recent engagement involved a golden retriever
and was "extremely romantic," and she asks, "What the hell does Blackwell know
anyway?"

11:13 p.m.: I reenter the press room, walk
up behind Jamie Foxx (stalled in press-conference gridlock), catch a glimpse of
the bottom of his Golden Globe for Ray, notice that the statuette is
stamped "Golden Globes," in case, I suppose, he ever forgets the name of that
shiny globe-shaped thing on his mantle.

11:15 p.m.: The stars of Sideways
are on stage, celebrating their Best Motion Picture, Comedy win.

11:16 p.m.: Reporters apparently notice
that the stars of Sideways are not exactly stars. Their press
conference is brief. Bring on Jamie Foxx.

11:17 p.m.: "I feel great for black
people," an earnest Foxx says of winning his Globe on the eve of Martin Luther
King Jr. Day.

11:17:30 p.m.: Foxx is a natural
awards-show winner, well-spoken, gracious and an able spokesman for everyone
from Ray Charles to his grandmother. And as an added bonus, he has a tattoo on
the back of his head.

11:18 p.m.: As for that tattoo, Foxx says,
"It's fake. It's not real. It's for a movie."

11:24 p.m.: Clint Eastwood at the mike,
toting his Best Director Globe for Million Dollar Baby. Mount Rushmore
talks.

11:24:30 p.m.: How reporters address Mount
Rushmore as "Mr. Eastwood."

11:25 p.m.: Mr. Eastwood, the anti-Robin
Williams, on being presented his trophy by his Miss Golden Globes daughter: "It
was great."

11:30 p.m.: Best Actor, Drama winner
Leonardo DiCaprio (The Aviator) meets the press. Am I supposed to throw
eco-friendly panties or something?

11:33
p.m.: Cleanliness is next to mogulness. If Howard Hughes hadn't
washed his hands so much, DiCaprio doesn't "think he would have been able to
achieve what he achieved."

11:35 p.m.: Like Foxx, DiCaprio is a
press-conference smoothie. All he's missing is the head tattoo.

11:37 p.m.: So, um, exactly when did Martin
Scorsese, back here to mark The Aviator's Best Drama win, start looking
like Groucho Marx?

11:39 p.m.: The inevitable Howard Hughes
question is asked: What would H.H. think of The Aviator?

11:40 p.m.: Martin Scorsese fields the H.H.
question by referencing an obscure Robert Ryan film.

11:41 p.m.: Scorsese wraps up his anecdote.
People laugh. I have no idea what he was talking about.

11:46 p.m.: Hilary Swank, winner of a Best
Actress trophy for Million Dollar Baby, is MIA. A Hollywood Foreign Press
rep says he doesn't know if she's coming backstage and asks us to wait three
minutes.

11:47 p.m.: Waiting...

11:48 p.m.: Waiting...

11:49 p.m.: We're told Swank will be with
us in 10 to 15 minutes. No rush. This party's only starting.

11:50 p.m.: In the lobby, I speed past Will
Ferrell and director Michael Bay, both apparently not waiting on Miss Swank and
both apparently on their way to a real bash. Probably one with a piñata and
everything.

12:02 a.m.: Swank's finally doing the press
thing, talking about being "in the moment." At least it makes more sense than
the Robert Ryan story.

12:03 a.m.: "Hey, Clint, I played a boy
before," says Swank, relating how she's tried to persuade her Million Dollar
Baby director to let her be in his next movie--a World War II drama with an
all-male cast.

12:06 a.m.: So, last night, Swank says she
(1) did the tsunami telethon; (2) went to dinner with husband Chad Lowe
(celebrating his birthday); (3) got stuck in an elevator for 40 minutes; and (4)
fretted that Chad's surprise party would be ruined by their elevator adventure.

12:06:15 a.m.: The party was not ruined. A
good time was had by all.

12:06:30 a.m.: Swank's done. The Globes are
done. The interviews are done. Time to go find some punch.